Day 145

Day 142

Day 141

Day 140

That was anticlimactic, for a comeback.

Day 139

Life is tough for Siamese twins, even more so than people think. I mean, what if one of them is on a diet, and the other isn’t? “Dude, put down the friggin' donut! It goes straight to our thighs!”

Day 137

Day 136

(Who the hell is Zarathustra, anyway?)

Day 135

Day 134

Day 132

Day 131

Day 130

Choose a viewpoint and make rational arguments for your side. But a bumper sticker like this is shameless christian propaganda.

Day 129

Too funny for words.

Side note: has anyone seen George Lopez's awful awful late night program? What. The. Hell. Lopez has a nationally syndicated talk show, and my blog gets two hits a week. There is no justice in this world.

Day 128

Lately there have been these facebook viruses going around, randomly sending weird or creepy messages to people’s friends. Most people hate these, but I love ‘em. Because now, whenever I get really drunk and send out a stupid facebook message, I can later say, “Oh, that wasn’t me – I guess I have one of those facebook viruses.” Or, if I think I’m picking up on some good vibes from a female friend, I can send her a suggestive message, and then if she gets creeped out, I just blame it on a virus. This has worked so well for me that lately, I’ve been hoping that someone would invent viruses for text messages. (Or for job interviews.)

[Funny or not funny? I'm on the fence about this one.]

Day 127

Day 126

Um.

Day 123

A Two-Parter:






















I like my ending better than theirs.

(Too soon?)

Day 122

Day 121

Day 120

Day 119

Day 118

Day 117

Wrong again, Facebook...












Much better!















How do they do it?!?

Day 116

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Taking BARBRI This Summer:

10. You know that Frank Sinatra Didn't Prefer Orville Redenbacher (but you have no idea what that means or why it's helpful)

9. You have three piles of green books in your room, but only one of them has ever been opened.

8. Blank Spaces have absolutely no correlation whatsoever with the length of the phrase to be filled in.

7. You've come to (begrudgingly) accept the presence of puns in your daily life. ("What law stops you from discriminating against birds? Eagle Protection!")

6. Never again can you listen to a song by Shaggy, Dido, or Sinead O'Connor.

5. Three days of Constitutional Law gave you a new understanding of Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

4. You hoped that the US would win the World Cup just so that it would make for an easier bar exam curve.

3. The word "usurp" still makes you cringe.

2. You know who invented Penne ala Vodka. Um. Allegedly.

1. You wish that Windows Media Player had a 3.0x speed instead of 1.5...

Day 115

Day 114

"I used to host this radio show for Queens College. We called it the 'Retro Show' because we would, in theory, talk about the exciting events of the 1980s, but that got old in about five minutes and we pretty much spent the remaining fifty-five talking about whatever we felt like and playing occasional hair metal. Because our show was so well-organized (read: because we were the first show to fill out a time-slot application) we were given the 12:30 - 1:30 free hour on Wednesdays, which was cool because the only place the radio actually broadcast to was the student union building, and the only time there were ever any people in the student union was during free hour. I would typically spend the fifteen minutes prior to my show scrambling for co-hosts to help fill the silence, plus I would bring on unfortunate regulars like Michal, who was too shy to say anything but at least gave me responsive facial gestures so I knew whether what I was saying was out of line. And once in a while, it was. The station was so damn sensitive that if we so much as mentioned the name of a disability or nationality, we'd get a bang on the adjacent wall telling us to change topics. You couldn't say the word 'handicapped.' You couldn't talk about 'Mexican food.' The managing board was freaking strict. A sign on the booth door read, 'If you play a song by Nickelback, it will be the last song you play ever.'

My group had no idea how to work the transmitter, so once in a while we realized halfway into it that we weren't broadcasting to anyone but ourselves. We compensated for those broadcasts obnoxiously and creatively; in the beginning of some shows (the ones that actually went on the air), we turned the volume up - way up, in fact so loud that I would get complaints afterward from the student body. It wasn't just that we were the only show who didn't play music, it was that we broadcast so damn loudly that our listeners had no choice but to listen to us gripe about the varying sizes of the Queens College parking lot speed bumps. Every complaint I got was pure encouragement; it meant that I had one more listener.

We did some crazy stuff on occasion, too, like when we brought in the Christian Community group on the same show as the Gay-Lesbian-Straight Alliance. (True story.) Or when we had the Singing Salsa club come in to play Latin-American Idol. (Not quite as true.) We liked to close the show by featuring a random classic song; we would then turn down the music way low and then belt the words to the song on top of it. And that's how I ruined Blind Melon for all those Queens College students. What a show. Those were the days, man."

-wjitt

Day 112

Claude Monet had an apprentice that, for some reason, never quite became famous. I guess it's true what they say: you never get a chance to make another first impressionist.

Day 111

Day 108

Day 107

Day 106

There's a special place in hell for people as funny as me.

Day 105

Day 104

I'm honest to a fault.

Day 103

Get out of my head, Gates!

Day 102

Can you say "ratings?"

Day 101

I recently attended and won a "Panoply" team trivia game. As the winning team, we each received internet-connected cell phones. Which was ironic, since we had all come in with internet-connected cell phones...

Day 100 ("The Last Laugh")

But not really.

Day 99

Bastards.

Day 97

And I will have it until I'm 90.

Day 96

I may have been reading a little too much xkcd recently.

Day 94

Although the other students in my Managerial Economics class are undergraduate freshmen (and six years my junior), I realized today that we have equal knowledge of the underlying mathematics, and truly began to feel like one of their peers. That lasted for about ten minutes, until the teacher said the word "assymptote," and everybody laughed except for me.

Day 93

One of my teacher has a slight accent. This can be humorous for the rest of us.

Teacher: "Some goods are cheap; others are being expensive. The price of air is for free. But how much is the price of aisle?"

Students: "Um... What?"

Teacher: "Aisle. What do you have to pay to get some aisle?"

Students: "We don't know!"

Teacher: "Aisle costs seventy dollars a barrel!"

Day 92

I recently went to a movie theater that had a very interesting concession stand - snacks were actually priced according to their respective amounts of calories. I asked for popcorn and they charged me two bucks. Then I got a Krispy Kreme donut and it cost me $8.50! I washed those down with a Diet Coke, which was free. Then I got some celery and they gave me thirty-five cents.

Day 91

The reason they limit the Olympics to amateurs...

Day 89

Twofer Tuesday.

Day 88

Day 87

Day 86

This has been a true story.

Day 83

Three periods walk into a bar...

Day 81

Whenever I'm in doubt about what to do, I always defer to a greater authority on the subject at hand. Usually this authority is my father; sometimes it's a friend; and on rare occasion, it's Socrates. But if I'm driving, there's no question about it - this authority is GPS, and GPS is king. I will do whatever that little bastard tells me to do. If GPS says go left, I go left. If it says make a four-lane U-Turn across Queens Bouleveard, hell yes, I'm in. Yesterday it made me ditch my car and ferry my oxen across the Hudson.

It got my estimated arrival time right to the minute.

Day 80

Q: What do yeshiva students have in common with Coca-Cola factory employees?

A: They each spend most of their days bottling!