Day 79

Me: "My editor just gave me comments back on my autobiography."

Aliza: "What did he say?"

Me: "It's too cliche."

Day 78

In high school, I decided to take Japanese for my language elective. I never had a very good grasp over the material. In fact, the teacher gave me a letter grade for my final paper and I still have no idea what I got.

Day 77

I smell a theme.

Day 76

I AM SO FUNNY I MAKE MYSELF CRY

Day 75

The other day, I was riding my bike while talking on my cell phone. (In general, I am not the safest biker/rollerblader... which might explain why I'm now on a first-name basis with the staff at the Penn Hospital Emergency Room.) All of a sudden, I get stopped by a cop. She says I'm not allowed to bike while on the phone. "I'm letting you off with a warning," she says, and hands me a slip. I look at it; it's a gray peice of paper with a drawing of a biker in what appears to be quite serious pain, plus the word "WARNING" along the top. By the bottom, it reads, "Riding a bike while talking on a phone is illegal as of December 1, 2009." I look at the slip, then I look at the cop. Then I look at the slip again. "This says that the law isn't in effect until next month," I say. "I know," the cop answers, "it's just a warning." "A warning for WHAT," I ask, "I haven't done anything illegal." "Yes," the cop answers, "that's why I'm letting you off with a warning."

This goes on for several minutes. Eventually, I crumpled up the slip of paper in frustration and left.

I got a ticket for littering.

Day 74

When you sneeze in class, everybody stops what they're doing to say something, no matter how important of a point the teacher is trying to make. The thing is, the more times you sneeze, the less responsive the class becomes. I've drawn up the following chart in order to illustrate:



As you can see, after the second sneeze, it is unlikely that you'll garner so much as a single "God Bless You." Not one "Gezundeit," "Nastrovia," or even an "Al-hamdu-Lillah." In fact, if you continue to sneeze thrice or more times, you eventually earn yourself negative goodwill, as people will start to find you annoying and perhaps even take some delight in the fact that you have the flu. (Which you probably do - honestly, who sneezes thrice? More honestly, who uses the word thrice? But I digress.)

Take a look at the chart again. You may notice that the chart begins to level off toward the end. This is because, if you keep sneezing, the annoyance factor becomes outweighed by your classmates' concern that you might in fact be dying. Plus, at a certain point, it all becomes white noise...

Day 71

Today in Philosophy, we learned that the last year of law school is a complete waste of time.

Day 70

"Someone was once mean to me, so I stabbed him with a pencil. In other words... he got the point."

-Alinut

Day 69

I went to my eye doctor the other day for a routine checkup. At the end, I gave him my insurance card. He frowned. I gave him a different insurance card instead. "Better, or worse?"

HAHAHA I AM HILARIOUS

Day 68

Ari: "You should come to the get-together thrown by my theater troupe tonight. Everyone's gonna be there: the main stars, the side characters, even the Untouchables... It's a caste party!"

Me: "I would, but I fell down and broke my arm. So if I came, it would be more like a cast party."

Ari: "Too bad. We're doing a really great show, too - 'Cats' - but the director is dyslexic. So it looks like it's gonna be a 'Cast' party."

THREE JOKES ONE PUNCHLINE OMG.

Day 67

A question on my most recent law school exam:



My answer:

Day 66

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And polio."

-Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Day 65 (or, "Apples to Apples - The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Shabbas?")

Who invented this game and why is it popular? For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the rules of said game, here's how it works: The judge of the round will put out a green card with an adjective written on it (e.g., "energetic," or, "serious," or, "stupid"). The players will then choose from among their red "noun" cards and submit the one that they feel is most connected to the adjective at play. So, for "stupid," you might put out, "Dane Cook," or, "Jeff Dunham," or, "The Religious Right." (Ironically, there is no card named, "Apples to Apples.")

Now, what usually happens is that, with no noun-adjective connection that is particularly funny, the judge will choose a winner based on the noun that he likes the most, or in other words, whichever one happens to connect to some random memory from his childhood. This universally winds up frustrating for almost all of the players, each of whom thought that their card was "hilarious!" (These are the players that, at the beginning of the game, claim to be "amazing" at Apples to Apples.) The game is an exercise in futility. Its like spending an hour seeing who can roll more threes on a six-sided die. (Which I happen to be quite good at, by the way.)

In summation, Apples to Apples? More like, Apples to... Crapples.

Day 63

Roman Polanski is in a new band! He calls it, "F Minor."

Day 61

Today's post is a guest submission from a source who wishes to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons). Enjoy.

Day 60

"One day I saw Vincent Chiarella on the street. I was so excited that I dropped my ice cream cone! I ran over to him and said, I teach a class on securities in law school, and I would love for you to come by one day and give a lecture. He turns to me and says, Sure, How much will you pay me? And I say, Oh Vinny, you haven't changed a bit!"

-WT (paraphrased)

Day 56

Ben: "Most of my traits came from my mother, but I have my father's toes."

Aliza: "OMG! So your father has no more toes?"

(Pause.)

Ben: "Really funny."

Aliza: "Whatever. I got that joke from my father."

Ben: "OMG! So your father has no more joke?"

Day 54

I went to see Shakespeare in the Park when they were running Macbeth. It was a great performance, but they were really short on actors; some of the cast had to play more than one role. I was like, "Hey - that guy playing the Doctor was a drunk Court Jester two scenes ago! Are they supposed to be the same character? Because I really don't think he should be operating on anyone in that condition." Gosh. They give medical licenses to anyone these days.

Day 53

Day 52

The Baja Men are back, and this time, they've put a Hebrew birthday twist on an old classic. It's called, "Yom Hoo-leddet The Dogs Out!"

Day 47

I've become confused about the meaning of the word "modern." What's Modern Art? Colorforms stapled to a pineapple. Modern Dance? The spastic flailings of an anorexic on a coke high. ("I'm telling you, there's a story to it!") In fact, I think the word "modern" actually means "not at all." Case in point: Upper West Siders who call themselves Modern Orthodox.

Day 46

Crazy Carl: "Do you keep mementos from old relationships?"

Me: "Sure, I keep it all in a box. What about you?"

Crazy Carl: "Yep, I have a girlfriend box too."

Me: "And that's where you store presents from your ex-girlfriends?"

Crazy Carl: "Nope. That's where I store my ex-girlfriends."

Day 44

This one is hot off the press. I'm watching "My Antonio" (which is a dating show like "The Bachelor" except without all the intrigue). One of the female contestants was just hypnotized to believe that she was an foreign reporter doing a newscast in her native language - Italian. Except that this particular woman does not speak Italian. What was her top story? "Rigatoni spaghetti rigatoni." When asked how long she'd been a news reporter, she answered, "Calzone."

This has been a true story.

Day 43

The meanings of certain terms have changed over time, and my parents have not kept up with these changes. "Josh," they'll say, "you're going to Canada? At some point in your trip you should try to hook up with your cousin Rachel."

"Mom!" I would exclaim. "Of course I'm going to try!"

Day 42

Day 41

Aliza: I love sitcoms! Friends is great.

Me: Friends ARE great, I think you meant.

Aliza: No, Friends is in the singular.

Me: Maybe that’s because you only have one.

Day 40

Upon signing up for a social-networking site, I was asked to fill out a profile. The questions asked were fairly routine; I simply had to describe my personality, looks, and marital status (e.g. whether I'm "single" or "looking"). I didn't really know what to say, so I took a stab: I wrote "nice butt," "kind," "funny," and "looking." The next day, I checked out my page; to my dismay, my description was listed as "nice but kinda funny-looking."

This has NOT been a true story. I would never ever try to impress women through the use of a website (except, of course, for this one).

Day 39

My synagogue decided that its current funeral announcement system was too slow. Instead, they're switching to Twitter:

Funeral 4 P. Cohen, Belov'd mom/sis of J & T. Cohen, bff of H. Schwartz, a true A"C, tmrw @ 260 Grant Blvd - Regrets to all :(

160/160.

Day 38

A friend and I were looking for a fun, free activity in New York City, so we went to the Met Museum of Art. We greeted the ticket seller, who very politely said, "Okay, two at general admission," and then rung us up on the cashier: $40.00. (Of course, in tiny letters at the bottom was the word "suggested.") My friend and I looked at each other, and then at our wallets, and then at the word "suggested," ...and we just burst out laughing. My friend reached into her pocket, and pulled out a handful of change, dumping it all over the counter; I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of lint, and a button, and put THAT on the counter. The ticket seller was not impressed. "Please keep your change... and your lint." We threw up our hands apologetically as we walked by. "Sorry," we yelled, "we're students!"

This has been a true story.

Day 36

On where to eat dinner:

Ben: I don't care where we go, as long as the portions are big.

Me: Amen to that. I want my steak to weigh more pounds than it costs.

Ben: ...What?

Me: Ugh, that joke works better in London.

Day 34

Day 33

My (very religious) aunt was telling me about a friend of hers with a very unfortunate last name: Dick. "What is she supposed to name her child?" she exclaimed! I nodded in confusion; it was not in my aunt's character to note such a vulgar happenstance. "The names would all be ridiculous," she continued. "Pesach Dick, Shabbas Dick..."

This has been a true story.

Day 32

Pierce Brosnan has become so associated with his role as James Bond that it becomes difficult to conceive of him in any other way. I recently asked some girl what her favorite Bond film was, and she said, "Ooh, I liked that one where he steals from that art museum." I answered, "Yeah, that's not James Bond. That's The Thomas Crown Affair." She paused with a blank stare on her face. "Oh," she finally said, "well then I guess my favorite Bond film would be that one where the villain disguises himself as an old Swedish housekeeper." (I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire.)

Day 30

Today, on my birthday, I worked longer hours than I ever have before. I didn't even get home until my birthday was over. I only turned twenty-four, but today I became a man.

Day 29

Instant classic.

Day 28

I once told my father about a Jewish law that I heard. Apparently, if a person sees his father and his rabbi both drowning at the same time, and he can only save one of their lives, then the person is obligated to choose his rabbi. My father calmly responded, "Josh, all I can tell you is that if that ever happens, and you choose to save the rabbi... then you better HOPE I drown."

This has been a true story.

Day 27

I AM SO LAME!

Day 26

This is easily the dumbest post I've ever made.

Day 25

Heard the following outgoing message today:

"Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice-messaging system: Five, One, Six. Five, Seven. Six, Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven."

(You either get it or you don't.)

Day 24

Ah, baseball. The ultimate spectator sport. Even for those who are playing.

Day 23

10,000 taxi cabs in this city, and I have to get into the one with a dyslexic driver. He passed right by my apartment on 79th street... and took me all the way to 97th. Oh, and the cross street was Riverdise. Eventually, he gets to the correct building, but guess what? He forgot to turn on the meter the whole time! Which is problematic because I need a receipt to get compensated by work. "Don't worry," he mumbles, "I'll make you one." Then we negotiate over how much the ride should cost. Though, it's not any kind of negotiating I've ever done. "How 'bout twelve," he suggests. "Sure thing," I say, "does that include tip?" "Oh, with tip... how 'bout... ten?" Um. What just happened? Is the tip going to be negative two dollars? Does he think that HE'S supposed to tip ME? "Let's stick to twelve," I mutter, "You probably need it more than I do."

Oh, one more thing, and I swear this part is true: he gives me the receipt, and the year is filled in as "2097." I point out his mistake, and he gives it back to me, this time filled in as 2077, which is closer, granted, but still not the actual date. I ponder asking him what the world is like in the future, whether I wind up as a famous rock star, etc., but I ultimately decide that the humor would be lost on poor Gerry. Or, make that, poor Reggie.

Day 22

Day 20

While others simply chose to sit
I jumped right into the moshpit
who all got really into it
so I got punched and kicked and bit
and thus when Offspring played a hit
I muttered silently, "Oh shit."

Day 18

You know who has power? The guy who writes those descriptions on the menus at Prime Grill. Man, that guy could sell anything. He could sell shoes to a man with no feet... or feet to a man with no shoes, either way. I was stuffed to the brim after my twelve and a half oz. McSteak today, but then - the dessert menu came. First item: "Warm chocolate cake." Okay, that doesn't sounds SO great - OR DOES IT!?!?! Read on, my friend; the italics shall be your downfall. A moist slab of pure goodness; includes distilled rum coating, sweet cream topping, and rainbow sprinkles. You'll have cocoa butter seeping out of your pores! (I may have made some of that up.) Where was I going with this? Oh, right that guy can sell anything.

Day 17

Happy Birthday

Day 16

I have the worst dentist of all time. Yesterday, right before he was about to start pulling, I said, "Uh, doc... are we forgetting something?" He paused, and then exclaimed, "Oh, right - novocaine!"

This has been a true story.

Day 15 (or, "Farrah and Michael, we hardly knew y'all")

Today, America mourns the passing of two anorexic white women.

Day 14

Day 13

Recipe

1 cup flour,
2/3 cup sugar,
half dozen eggs,
1 pie crust,
and finally,
1 search engine:

Koogle.com

Day 12

Day 10

There's a general prohibition in my law school against arguing for better grades... for obvious reasons. Can you imagine if grade-debating was allowed? We're future lawyers, for god's sake! There would be eighty appeals filed each time a teacher gave a test! And the appeals would be specific, too - citations and everything. "See the landmark case of Josh v. Professor Burbles, circa 2005, for the proposition that a ten-word answer can, in fact, constitute a legitimate essay. See also the apple I left on your desk last Tuesday (reversed on other grounds)."

Day 7

"Able was I ere I saw Alba."

-Cash Warren

Day 6

The first time I was ever called to a dress rehearsal, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Then, a guy showed up who was actually WEARING a dress. But that wasn’t the weird part. The weird part was when he asked me to zip him up.

Apparently the dress was for a dream sequence in the play. I asked the director why the character would wear a dress in his dream sequence, and the director responded, “because, honey, there’s a drag queen in each and every one of us.” I muttered, “I think that guy got two drag queens and I didn’t get any.”

Day 5

Day 4

Day 2

Day 1

Today I was on the subway and saw three men sitting next to each other. One was skinny, one was medium-sized, and one was really fat, so I yelled... "Set!"