Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Day 148 (or, "The Many Reasons Why I Will Unfriend You.")
1. If you call somebody "awesome" on facebook, I will unfriend you.
2. If you announce that you have an amazing boyfriend on facebook, I will unfriend you.
3. If you wish your mother happy birthday in your status, and your mother doesn't have facebook, I will unfriend you.
4. If one of your listed "activities" is "learning Torah," I will unfriend you. Keep that shit to yourself.
5. If your profile photo is a picture of your kid, I will unfriend you. You don't belong on facebook.
6. If you announce that you need a hug on facebook, I will unfriend you.
7. If you post a poem that you just wrote about something very personal and emotional to you, and you are a male, I will unfriend you. Also, you might not be a male.
8. If you post an offer from livingsocial.com, and it is later than 3:00 pm, I will unfriend you. (Trust me, we already know.)
9. If you announce that you are sad about the death of a celebrity on facebook, and it is not in a joking or sarcastic way, I will unfriend you.
10. If you so much as mention "Farmville" once ever, I will unfriend you on facebook and in real life.
11. If you post a photo album showing off pictures of your muscles, you might be a redneck. (Also, I will unfriend you.)
2. If you announce that you have an amazing boyfriend on facebook, I will unfriend you.
3. If you wish your mother happy birthday in your status, and your mother doesn't have facebook, I will unfriend you.
4. If one of your listed "activities" is "learning Torah," I will unfriend you. Keep that shit to yourself.
5. If your profile photo is a picture of your kid, I will unfriend you. You don't belong on facebook.
6. If you announce that you need a hug on facebook, I will unfriend you.
7. If you post a poem that you just wrote about something very personal and emotional to you, and you are a male, I will unfriend you. Also, you might not be a male.
8. If you post an offer from livingsocial.com, and it is later than 3:00 pm, I will unfriend you. (Trust me, we already know.)
9. If you announce that you are sad about the death of a celebrity on facebook, and it is not in a joking or sarcastic way, I will unfriend you.
10. If you so much as mention "Farmville" once ever, I will unfriend you on facebook and in real life.
11. If you post a photo album showing off pictures of your muscles, you might be a redneck. (Also, I will unfriend you.)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 143
With the holidays approaching, I feel it incumbent upon myself to remind everyone of the halacha regarding crying:
At Funerals.
Funerals are the one place in which the poskim universally agree -- crying is absolutely permitted. Go nuts.
In Response To Pain.
Crying is permitted in this scenario only if the pain is substantial. This includes: slamming one's finger in the door of one's car; and/or, to quote the late decent Leslie Nielsen, jumping onto a bicycle without a bicycle seat. Some poskim also include: putting food into one's mouth before realizing how searingly hot it is, but not being able to spit it into one's napkin because of the presence of polite company; and/or having to sit through an entire episode of the Conan O'Brien show.
Sporting Events.
It is forbidden to cry at sporting events. This is extrapolated from the famous psak of Rav Tom Hanks: "There's no crying in baseball." An exception to this rule exists if your team wins the championship game. But note! "Your team" means a team that you yourself currently play for. This excludes superfans, benchwarmers, and hockey parents.
During Prayer.
According to virtually all modern poskim, it is never acceptable to cry while praying in public. Do you hear me? Never. You are not the exception to this rule. If you really feel such a pressing need to cry during singing, go buy two boxes of tissues and a ticket to a Blink 182 concert, emo kid.
When praying in private, you may cry if absolutely necessary, but if you're that into it, you should probably just go to shul.
At The Theatre.
You really shouldn't be going to the theatre in the first place. And it's spelled, "theater," you douche.
Listening to Music.
I guess you can cry if it's like, Zeppelin or something, but try not to make a habit of it.
Conclusion.
In summation, showing emotion can be positive when budgeted appropriately, but please remember that there is a time and place. Also, it is important to note that one may never cry, over the period of a year, more than twice. Or three times, if you're a girl.
At Funerals.
Funerals are the one place in which the poskim universally agree -- crying is absolutely permitted. Go nuts.
In Response To Pain.
Crying is permitted in this scenario only if the pain is substantial. This includes: slamming one's finger in the door of one's car; and/or, to quote the late decent Leslie Nielsen, jumping onto a bicycle without a bicycle seat. Some poskim also include: putting food into one's mouth before realizing how searingly hot it is, but not being able to spit it into one's napkin because of the presence of polite company; and/or having to sit through an entire episode of the Conan O'Brien show.
Sporting Events.
It is forbidden to cry at sporting events. This is extrapolated from the famous psak of Rav Tom Hanks: "There's no crying in baseball." An exception to this rule exists if your team wins the championship game. But note! "Your team" means a team that you yourself currently play for. This excludes superfans, benchwarmers, and hockey parents.
During Prayer.
According to virtually all modern poskim, it is never acceptable to cry while praying in public. Do you hear me? Never. You are not the exception to this rule. If you really feel such a pressing need to cry during singing, go buy two boxes of tissues and a ticket to a Blink 182 concert, emo kid.
When praying in private, you may cry if absolutely necessary, but if you're that into it, you should probably just go to shul.
At The Theatre.
You really shouldn't be going to the theatre in the first place. And it's spelled, "theater," you douche.
Listening to Music.
I guess you can cry if it's like, Zeppelin or something, but try not to make a habit of it.
Conclusion.
In summation, showing emotion can be positive when budgeted appropriately, but please remember that there is a time and place. Also, it is important to note that one may never cry, over the period of a year, more than twice. Or three times, if you're a girl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
